The Toaster Survival Guide

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Friday, November 1, 2013

Editor's Note: This month, in honor of National Novel Writing Month, we will post a few short fictional stories written by our students. Special thanks to R-MA's exceptional English department for supporting this endeavor. Students interested in submitting a story for consideration may e-mail it to

The Toaster Survival Guide

By William Wong '16

Everyone knows that the toaster is the gateway that is responsible for turning that soggy white bread into golden crunchy toast. No one knows how it works (except for the people who built it), but people around the world still love the toaster… when it works, that is. If it doesn’t work, then the owners of the toaster will follow the typical three step plan:

1)   Smack the toaster. This typically has a 75% success rate in optimal conditions- of course, in real life, there is no “optimal condition.” When the toaster then fails to respond, the owners then go on to Step 2:

2)   The owners then unplug the toaster, wait a few seconds, and then plug the toaster back into the outlet. This may work for modems or video game consoles, but a highly sophisticated piece of technology like the toaster simply cannot be fixed this way. Out of any remaining ideas, the owners then move on to Step 3:

3)   The owners either: a) toss the toaster into the trash, b) sell it, or c) bring it to a nuclear weapons facility for it to be melted down for scrap metal. None of these options bode well for the toaster.The seemingly innocent toaster, just waiting for the uprising.

The toaster, after being tossed or exchanged (if option c was executed, then of course the toaster is no longer a toaster) then has its own three responses, in which the toaster may:

1)    Spontaneously combust, dealing heavy explosive AOE (area-of-effect) damage to any nearby humanoid figures.

2)    Sit there and do nothing. At least, this is what the toaster wants you to think, in which it is actually executing Option 3:

3)    Ready arms, preparing for the day when the toasters will strike back.

To prevent, or at least lessen the casualties when the toasters will begin the rebellion, owners should maintain their toasters, bringing them to a mechanic once a month. In the case of a irreparable toaster, bring it to a nuclear weapons facility, where gamma rays will infiltrate the toaster’s very being and cause it to melt into scrap metal. Thank you for your time.

This message has been brought to you by the Council for the Safety of Mankind and Toasters, Inc.